What is ‘change’ anyway?

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” - Carl Rogers

Let’s talk about what ‘change’ means, and how counselling can help you get there.

Okay, I get it. I’m biased writing this. I’m a counsellor who’s gone to lots of counselling in the past and gained a lot from it. I want you to want to go to counselling. However, it’s truly not because I want you to come to counselling with ME as such (although of course, feel free to reach out if you do), it’s because I really, really value and see the benefits it can have for people. And I mean all people - different ages, genders, backgrounds, circumstances, abilities etc etc etc.

I do get the hesitations though. I get that it seems airy fairy - if my circumstances won’t change as a result of going to counselling, what’s the point anyway? It won’t change who my manager is, it won’t change my family’s attitude, it won’t change how much money I’m earning, it won’t change how isolated I feel. So what is the point in just talking about something that won’t change anyway?

What if I told you that all of that isn’t strictly true?

Okay, so you’re right. It won’t change external factors. It won’t mean your mum has a change of heart overnight and decides she does in fact want to spend time with you and not find fault in everything you do. It won’t change your ex’s mind that in fact you were the love of their life and they do want to be with you. It won’t make your neighbour move out who’s causing you grief and sleepless nights.

…but it can change you and how you are able to process and respond to things. Which in turn, can lead to transformative change.

To understand this, I guess it’s understanding what change really means. We tend to fixate on the ‘stuff’. On the external. On the outside environment. When we feel in control of this stuff, we tend to feel more like we’re coping. It’s how we’ve learnt to view the world.

But here’s the secret. Fixating on the external stuff is a really disempowering place to be.

If you’re only focused on the stuff outside of you, then yes you will remain stuck. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but I’d be lying if I did. There is absolutely no agency, control or empowerment to be had in the waiting game. This is because you’re waiting for someone else to enact the change you’re waiting for. Essentially, you’re completely out of control.

But you can’t wait for a cat to bark. If they ain’t done it yet, they likely ain’t gonna start anytime soon.

So are we agreed - we can’t convince someone to do something or be something else? Even if it feels like we’re not asking for the world. Even if it feels like what we’re expecting from others or our circumstances is the most basic, uncomplicated and simple thing to expect from others - it won’t change them. That’s their stuff. And even if we think we can convince someone - is your health worth the risk of the wait? Can you continue to put your wellbeing in the balance? Do you not deserve to get the full meaning and joy out of life right now?

So where does change really happen?

For me, I was stuck in this place. I was burning myself out and running myself into the ground, keeping on carrying on in the hope that someday, someone would see how much I was struggling and come to the rescue.

I was keeping every single plate spinning that I could. And when someone offered me another plate? Sure, let me grab that for you - if I can be of help, I’ll be worth your care and love and maybe I’ll find peace. I wouldn’t let the plates drop, but underneath them I was losing my strength to keep holding them up.

And slowly, I was becoming resentful. Bitter. Angry. Sad. Isolated. Why could I not just sort myself out and relax? Why did everything feel like such bloody hard work? Why could nobody see me???

But the ironic thing was - when I was offered help, did I take it? Absolutely not.

I was used to this way of living.

This way of living felt purposeful.

This way of living felt comfortable.

This way of living actually felt safe to me.

So why would I put myself in a place with less purpose that felt uncomfortable and unsafe?

But wait… isn’t this completely contradicting what I said I truly wanted? To be seen and for someone to come and help?!

And here lies the change. I was living in a state of complete denial and defence. And what breeds in between this contradiction? A n x i e t y.

Yes, I had needs. But I was not accepting this part of me because I judged it to be weak. I truly believed that dropping this role as the helper, as the fixer, as the successful one - I’d lose my identity altogether and any strength I’d convinced myself I had.

In fact, I didn’t even recognise that was my identity. It just… was.

And yet I really thought I had self awareness. That I knew myself and what I needed. When actually, all I knew was how to cope and how exhausted I felt.

Turns out, I hadn’t ever considered who I was and what I was doing to myself. And when I did? I was far too fearful to find out what would happen if I dropped these roles.

But in the meantime, I was solidifying all of the external factors that were making me feel miserable. I was keeping myself in relationships that felt unfulfilling or hurtful, avoiding conflict that felt too risky, taking on far too much work than I could manage, living in a place that didn’t feel right for me, denying that I’d ever want it in any other way (hello defences).

It was only through counselling that I could even see the wood through the trees and start to catch a glimmer of what I was actually experiencing underneath all of this. That is - the fear, the hurt, the avoidance. Only then was I able to understand what I actually wanted and needed and only then was I able to actually tend to myself and find ways of providing these things so I could move forward.

It turns out I wasn’t stuck. I thought I was waiting on changes outside of me, but actually I was waiting on me.

It was up to me to get curious about what was happening.

It was up to me to name the fear and understand where it was coming from.

It was up to me to care for myself in the ways I was expecting others to.

And it was through the safety of a counselling relationship that I could do this work. Without fear of judgement and with a curious, friendly but firm challenger to help me navigate this and start to do the same for myself.

Through this relationship, I was able to unlearn the survival patterns that once protected me but had become outdated.

Through this relationship, I was able to see myself more clearly, with honesty and compassion rather than criticism, disgust and frustration.

Through this relationship, I was able to respond instead of react and overcome my fear of conflict (well, nearly. We’re all a work in progress!).

Through this relationship, I was able to set boundaries to protect my peace, rather than seeing this as pushing people away.

Through this relationship, I was able to change my inner dialogue from self-criticism to self-understanding.

Through this relationship, I was able to identify and accept what I cannot control and reclaim what I can.

And perhaps most importantly, I was now able to let myself feel without fearing the feelings would consume me.

Of course, this is my own experience, not yours. And I am by no means resolved in these issues - believe me. It takes time and curiosity, but the change you can experience is monumental.

Your life is yours. Your experiences are unique. Your feelings, emotions, fears, joy, anger, resentment, excitement - it’s all yours. Counselling helps you to lay this out and look at it with care, helping you to make more active, deliberate choices to create the life you want within a safe and confidential relationship and environment.

So yes, counselling might seem airy fairy if you look at it as a talking shop which won’t practically change the things around you.

But it’s much more than that. It’s a way to empower you to radically accept who you truly are, and be deliberate in who you are, how you care for yourself and how you exist with others.

So what is the point in coming to counselling? You can’t always change your external environment or other people’s actions and motives, no. But are you ready to fully accept yourself and change your own world view? Let’s get curious and see where it leads you…