Let’s talk about hopelessness

Let’s talk about hopelessness.

That feeling of believing there’s no other option, no realistic option or hope for change.

When that sets in, it’s quite a beast.

It can feel sinking, or like you have already sunk. You can’t see a way out - there’s only darkness and no way to clamber your way out of it. It feels like there’s nothing that could change it.

But it’s not truth. Things can change.

If you’re in the depths of hopelessness, you might be reading this and wanting to immediately push back, tell me that I don’t know what I’m talking about because things really are hopeless for you.

Or you might be hoping that by me saying this, I might have some magic formula that you’re hoping to find by reading on.

Neither are true. If I had a magic formula, I would be a millionaire by now (…hint: I don’t quite have that many zeros in my bank account).

But equally, there really is hope and there really are ways we can work with ourselves to shift our circumstances, our perspectives, and the thoughts that impact us on a daily basis.

You see, we’re lucky enough to have been born with our incredible human minds. This gives us the ability to engage in metacognition - the capacity to observe and reflect on our thoughts. These abilities have developed over hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution.

The challenge is that this comes with both its positives and negatives.

The negatives?

It means we can engage in self-criticism more readily.

It means we can question our existence, purpose, and meaning.

It means we can end up in thought loops and cycles which, unchallenged, can consume, dominate, and leave us feeling hopeless - as though things really are simply hopeless.

But if we look on the flip side, it means we also have the ability to challenge all of these patterns and habits of thinking.

It means we can notice when our thoughts are unhelpful rather than blindly believing them.

It means we can pause, reflect, and choose a different response instead of reacting on autopilot.

It means we can learn from our experiences, adapt, and grow, rather than repeating the same cycles over and over.

It means we can develop self-compassion, perspective, and resilience - understanding that thoughts are something we have, not something we are.

And ultimately, it means we have the capacity to shape our inner world, not by eliminating difficult thoughts, but by changing our relationship with them.

And this is based on real, hard evidence.

One of the main issues I see on a daily basis is just how hard people are on themselves. That is the sticking point. That is the barrier to wellness for so many. We’ve learned not to believe in ourselves, our abilities, and maybe even that we’re worth trying for.

Let’s break this down though. If you were starting out at the gym for the very first time, you’d likely not head straight to the weights section, rack up a barbell with 80kg, and be able to fling it above your head. In fact, if you were to do that, you’d not be able to even begin to lift that barbell. You’d likely injure yourself, feel even worse about yourself, and not return to the gym, telling yourself you were shit at it anyway.

Let’s think about this in relation to our mind. We’re taught far less about our mind and how it works than we are about our bodies. Partly, that’s because we actually know less, and the information we do know is far less mainstream.

Partly, if we’re honest, it’s far less sexy to learn about neuroplasticity and metacognition than it is to learn how to be fit, toned, and visually attractive. Nobody’s bragging about how well they can balance their thoughts on dating sites, but the physical view is immediate.

Ironically though, we’re probably all attracted to people who have this cognitive quality - the ability to manage their minds in a way that makes sense for them, and to be unapologetically themselves whilst being supportive and empathic towards others. For friendships, relationships, and families - that’s the dream, right?

But we all kind of assume we should be able to just do this anyway. For whatever reason, we know that we have to lift lighter weights before we can get to Olympic weightlifter level, or walk before we can run. But with our mind? We assume that with absolutely no practice at all - and whilst treating ourselves less care than we’d like - we should just be able to ping out of bed and feel top of the world, able to tackle anything.

…what a load of pressure… and quite frankly, bullshit.

And to top it all off, when you can’t do the impossible and bob about your day feeling as content and zen as a monk who’s practised mindfulness for the best part of 20 years, you beat yourself up - as though managing your mind is something you should just be perfect at doing.

Perhaps you struggle with feeling overwhelmed by the idea of calling someone you’ve never met before, or going somewhere you’ve never been for the first time.

Perhaps you struggle with ruminating thoughts - repeating cycles of thoughts and worries, trying to find some sense out of a situation, or some sense of closure, and ending up deeper in the thought spiral and feeling worse than ever.

Perhaps you can’t help but feel like you’re not good enough at work. Always feeling like you’re on the back foot, comparing yourself to colleagues.

You’re stuck in a cycle of “you’re not good enough”, “you’re a failure”, “other people are better than you”. You pick up your phone. You doomscroll. You create narratives about what other people think of you, how easy other people find it to just exist, and you fall deeper into the pit of hopelessness.

It really, really doesn’t have to be this way.

And the great news is, it really doesn’t take a huge amount to start changing this.

We can never take away the humanness of thinking and experiencing our natural human emotions such as anxiety, sadness, fear, and anger.

But we can reach a point where we understand them more, which means we can accept them and manage them in a different way - so you don’t feel consumed and hopeless.

In the same way that if you were to walk into a gym and pick up a light weight, you’d be able to do a few reps - you can start somewhere with your mind too and feel huge benefits.

You just have to have a little bit of faith in yourself, and faith in the process.

If you’re looking for help in getting there, feel free to reach out to me.

Love,
Rachel x